Not working… This isn’t working

Posted: July 28, 2013 in In memory of my aunty Pat

I’ve always turned to writing whenever I feel grief, or whenever I’m trapped by some intense emotions I need to free myself of. I’ve turned to my laptop several times this year, especially since almost every month so far there’s been one horrible story or the other. My most difficult year to date, definitely the most difficult.

Even the writing isn’t working now though. One post on a good day and I’d be fine. How do I start to write about someone I’ve known literally all my life? Someone whose house was mine, who defended me every chance she got, told me stories, loved me like her own, has been there for me from the get-go?

How do I explain my helplessness at my inability to cope with the news of her passing? How do I say I don’t know what to do, and everything screams her name? The clothes I have on now, she convinced me to spend my money on. I remember that afternoon; there was this lady who used to bring clothes from America for sale and we’d go there whenever we had change. I was picking shorts and tiny dresses (as usual), and aunty goes, “you no know say you don reach to be pesin wife? My friend pick beta cloth jor”. Lol. Then she saw this tunic and goes, “This one is pretty; you can even wear it when you’re pregnant”. And that’s how I bought it. How do I ‘feel better’?

I remember when I said I was going to get a PhD, aunty said, “hian! Masters no do you? You already talk too much, with a PhD you go carry english confuse the man be that”. And then she met Booski, and said, “this one that is doing a PhD as well, mean say una pikin na from belle im go carry computer”.  How do I feel better?

When I was getting a first degree and she was retailing clothes from Dubai at the time, I’d take some to school every now and then to sell for her. Both capital, profit, and the clothes I couldn’t sell would end up as mine, because whenever I called to tell her how much I had sold, she’d say, “ok, use it to buy credit”. And she gave me my first phone too, from the ones she was selling. So many firsts with aunty, so many firsts.

In February for her birthday we went to an Italian restaurant. Hilarious. My aunty Pat is hilarious. We had a fun evening, and that weekend we had a party. For my birthday in May, I was with her in hospital, and she kept on saying she had cheated me, that her birthday was more fun than mine. This was despite the intense pain she was in. She literally chased Booski and I out of the hospital that night to go have a meal together. How do I forget that kind of person?

How do I tell her to please come back, that I miss her? How do I tell her that she has many more birthdays to celebrate, and leaving now was more than premature?

Certainly not by writing, because this isn’t working.

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Comments
  1. May God comfort your heart during this time…the passing of loved ones is difficult, I understand. I had a dear Aunt who was the life of the party. Everyone loved her, She made friends easily because she was genuinely interested in that person. She was a wealth of common sense. When she passed my heart grieved deeply…and words could not console me, either. Time does heal, tho. One thing my aunt was legendary for was her ability to share a story, moment or whatever took her fancy at the time…and make you laugh hysterically! I use to share these stories back with family and friends when we gathered on occasions (Christmas..etc.) and I noticed something amazing happening. She was close to my heart in these stories, the void of not having her present had dissipated in sharing the story of her life. As I read what you wrote, I saw what a good person she was and how much she believed in you…how much she loved you. This type of love…carries you through the pain. I know my Aunt loved me and would love the fact that her funny stories are still being shared in her memory.

    Christ said to do these things in remembrance of HIm (taking the bread of life and wine of repentance) so that we will not forget HIm and all that His life meant to us. In that same respect, we don’t forget our loved one and we celebrate their homecoming…just like Jesus…they are now in the presence of our heavenly Father…what JOY! I am reminded that my Aunt is experiencing Joy and Peace and above all Love…now, how can I walk around without smiling for her knowing that she’s smiling down at me!

    God Bless you….Zoey

    • If you know how many times I came back to read this comment when I needed peace or strength to go through another day, then you’ll probably be a little closer to my excitement at your comments here.

      To all of you God used here to help me get through those first few days, God bless you…

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