A few weeks ago I sat with some friends in one of my favorite places in Lagos (Terra Kulture) and we talked about everything, ending somewhere between relationships, entrepreneurs, that kind of thing.

How did it even start? I know there was a statement made about the scarcity of good men and after both males and females argued a little bit about generalizations, we talked about the difficulties young people face in relationships, either in starting or keeping them.

I totally forgot about that conversation till I was going to blog about Social Media Week Lagos and as I was noting talking points, I remembered the session on ‘Women in Tech’ and how disappointed my friends and I were at the gloss that was slathered on the entire discussion.

Matter of fact, my friend Saratu asked a question that echoed all my sentiments. She wanted to know why none of the speakers spoke about the challenges they’d faced in building their businesses, why no one was telling the real stories behind whatever successes they were currently standing on.

Here’s a personal experience. In 2012 I was in a bank, frustrated with my account officer because they’d said I could get pounds from the branch and then I drove all the way to Area 11 and I don’t remember what excuse they’d given but I was pissed off.

While I was discussing with the said account officer, a much older man asks to borrow my pen. I give it to him and when he’s done, he says I’m pretty and he wants my number. Now, if you read my blog you’ll know the day before I travel is normally the crazy day where I have 1000 things to do, I’m literally running/speeding everywhere and even 26 hours wouldn’t do. Plus, I was ticked off at the bank so a much older man asking for my number was the last thing I was in the mood for. I refused with the last bit of respect I had and after he asked why I was sweating and in a foul mood, I mentioned I still had a client’s office to visit, I had a trip to get ready for etc.

Long story short, we exchanged cards, he wanted me to prepare a social media strategy for the ministry in which he was a director of finance or something. I did, adapted one I’d written for another client, and emailed it that night.

My quote was at least 60% cheaper than the other proposals he had received (he’d given them to me when I swung by to collect a brief) and with the elaborate document I handed in, to my mind it was a matter of when.

I called a few times from Blighty and he said they didn’t have ‘network’ in the office for him to read it, and one day he talked about him coming over so I could explain it to him. A director of a ministry flying (all the way) to England so a prospective strategist could explain her proposal? Lol.

Let’s end the story quickly. I refused to play nice, so he stopped taking my calls and one day told me he was going on a one-year course and not/never to call him again. And that was that. I remember ranting on Twitter, and Ruona Meyer encouraging me in my DMs. I won’t forget that.

So, back to the discussion at Terra Kulture, I said something about unconsciously putting up walls whenever I interacted with men partly because of work and how the slightest smile is misconstrued as ‘consent’ and then a ‘no’ becomes a problem because you led them along (by smiling). I talked about how it was easier (and better) for me to be first seen as mean/hard looking and then soften up (maybe) as the work takes off properly instead of being taken for a ride from day one.

I mentioned how those walls then become a problem when you’re with your special someone because they might feel like you’re not completely open with them but it’s just you forgetting that you can take a break from protecting yourself because relationships should be safe spaces. It’s just you transferring your protective shell/demeanor to a space where you can/should be vulnerable. And that causes problems.

That’s just one challenge.

How many women have to work twice as hard while the rest of the world preaches ‘ empowerment/inclusion’ and ‘giving women a place on the table’? How many women become who they are politically only because they are married to or are children of the Old Boy’s Club? How many of us are frustrated day in day out with the weakest links around our projects?

Here’s another reason why I feel like women should be just a bit more ‘open’ with these conversations. We have these events and everything sounds like a piece of chocolate cake, freely handed out to us because we’re ‘whoever we say we are’. And so the young women listening press forward, maybe even decide to switch careers because we have it so good here.

Then they come and are buffeted with all sorts of challenges they didn’t imagine were possible or are prepared for in the slightest. And then they run away. Or they give in to whatever pressures they have find they have to (furthering the ugly stereotype). Very few will dig their heels in, and fight to get that place on the table.

At the next gathering of women we’ll lament that there are very few entrepreneurs. There will be, because they’re not ready!

It’s the same thing for relationships to be honest, but that’s a totally different discussion for another day.

Final word – can we be a bit more honest with these things? Sure. So let’s do/be that.

  1. Me, I just wish successful women will be more open and honest about the work/life balance. I’m very interested in women who are successful at work and are also married and/or mothers. Did they have to give up anything valuable? This is where I am going with my life but I’m certain I’ll face bumps I’d never imagined. I don’t want to choose one over the other. I remember Oprah once saying she didn’t want children because she knew they’d curse her for fashying them.

    I also want to be vulnerable with Adams.
    “I mentioned how those walls then become a problem when you’re with your special someone because they might feel like you’re not completely open with them but it’s just you forgetting that you can take a break from protecting yourself because relationships should be safe spaces. It’s just you transferring your protective shell/demeanor to a space where you can/should be vulnerable. And that causes problems.”
    I find that I need to put up walls at work, another kind of wall though, but I forget to bring them down when I’m with him. This is not good for us.

    We need to have these discussions.


    • E' says:

      Ijeoma I will be VERY frank
      As a woman, you pay some career sacrifices for family. My sis is my model on that. She paid plenty and I recall lamenting about some opps I was missing at work cos of my pregnancy and she told me to just see it as a sacrifice for the priceless gift of a child. God is faithful tho. At the end He compensates like no boss can. Just keep giving the best you can.

      Then the other point Chioma raised about the special someone. I have NEVER ever thought of it may be cos my relationship-morphed-into-marriage started wayyyyy earlier than my career. I have always believed that with relationships I should be nothing short of VULNERABLE knowing that this Special One would do his/her best to protect me all the time.
      Nothing else will/should do……..

      Brilliant Chioma. Absolutely brilliant piece. Straight from the heart. Nne we (women) should share our stories o jare.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Nne KingDaveed!!! How are you mama!! Oya o, let’s plan that visit soon as I get in biko!!

        Now to your comment Mrs E’ – thank you. We don’t tell ourselves the truth and that event was everything it shouldn’t have been in my honest opinion (happy to be wrong). I agree about relationships starting before careers not really being an issue cos the two people have ‘evolved’ together. But there’s a story (and a lesson) in that too.

        And I know you will see it and share in your own time.


    • I totally agree with you Pearl; there is need for an honest discussion about these things… The ones who have gone before need to (as much as they are comfortable with though), truthfully lead the generation coming. Or keep quiet, so we know we have to feel our way through.


  2. Tito O'tobi says:

    WoW, Chioma, that’s a great read. Gave me a new perspective in viewing the challenges of female professionals. Love your writings. I’m in a relationship with a Med Doc. I remember always telling her she’s always stiff when returning from work and never opens up. Talk of closing up oneself in open spaces. Will share this with her.


  3. Osemhen says:

    Hi ya. So weird, we had a forum at work today to celebrate the International Women’s Day. I have a few thoughts around this; maybe I’ll blog about it. But I totally understand about being mean and hard so you don’t end up looking silly. I got married earlier this year and guys at work actually said, “I didn’t think you’d be the type to ever get married. I thought you were all about the work.”


  4. E' says:

    Just read again

    Wish I could hug you or at least like 100times

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I loved this, it’s so real! And I can relate with what Pearl is saying. One female CEO who is flying high, and whose kids have turned out very well, promised me a post of work-life balance. I’ve been pursuing her for about a year now. It’s really hard to get practical advice from professional women. I’m hoping that this will change soon; and that we will help drive that change. The knowledge that you are not alone, and others are facing what you’re facing, is truly comforting.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. […] to whatever comes after. I know we all talk about the scarcity of jobs, and the difficulties around women finding and being in work but have we thought about […]


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