#31Days31Writers: @Mrs B says definitions and expectations of friendship are different

Posted: December 27, 2015 in 31Days31Writers

I met Tolu in Lagos in 2014, it must have been the end of May, or the first few days in June, at the Women in Journalism event. She was one of the panelists (as was I), and I remember Mercy Abang-Asu introduced us. I really enjoyed that event, even though I had a bit of drama from the organizers. #WeMove

This post was affirmation for me about some misgivings I’ve been having recently, so thank you Tolu!

It’s been awhile since I wrote, so getting started was a little like a car that was stuttering. But here I am. Feels incredible and amazing to be looking at a new year just ahead of me. This year has been such a challenging but a beautiful one as well. Let me tell you a little bit about my year.

This year I lost a good friend, not to death, but to stubbornness. It’s quite a long story so for time and space I’ll shorten it. She finally left a dead-end relationship and wanted to throw a pity party. However, I and some other friends had been asking her to slow down with this guy. I refused to let her get away with acting like she didn’t see the signs or no one warned her. After 4 years of what I thought was great friendship she deleted herself from our close-knit BBM group and deleted me as well. We haven’t spoken since. This taught me that people want to hear ONLY what they want to hear. I’m not saying I have a monopoly on knowing if relationships would work or not but if friends can’t tell you their thoughts even when you don’t like them, then why are your friends? I’m not always right but I always love my friends like family. And what are we friends for if we can’t share our thoughts and opinions? It also taught me that even friends who know you “de ile” (all the way home) as my Yoruba people would say, can still surprise you. People will be people.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about something I’m so grateful for. This year I had a baby girl. Her name is Omokorede aka Koko and I’m so in love. She’s just over 7 months now and she’s my absolute joy. Leaving home at 4.30am for work, dealing with my radio audience, battling Lagos traffic, and all the hustling and bustling of life, is all worth it when I get home and she smiles. God I think I’m obsessed. I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of those parents who somehow make every conversation about their kids. I’ve succeeded in that, but just make a mistake and ask me about Koko. Lol. She makes me strive harder, because I want to be more than her mother but also a role model she would choose for herself. I’m grateful for her birth, her presence. I will never be satisfied being a wife and mother only but I acknowledge she’s a reason for me to be a better person in totality.

Now looking back at the year that was 2015, I know there are areas where I messed up and could have been nicer to my colleagues, strangers, and even my husband (lol). One thing I would undo maybe goes back to that my friend. I would probably just say ok when she announced her breakup and say whatever I wanted to say about the relationship to my husband. Don’t worry, he’s up to date and she had even asked him to introduce her to some of his single friends. I maybe would have played the part she wanted me to play, “oh I’m so sorry, he doesn’t deserve you. He’s an idiot,” etc. But more than likely my mouth would have still beat my mind to one or two comments. So thinking about it again, I’m not sure I would undo it, and here’s why. It showed me that we both had different definitions and expectations of our “friendship.” The fault lines opened up.

So it took me some stumbling to get started but here I am and I don’t want to wrap up. We learn things every day, every month, every year. It pains us when the lessons come from those we love and like, family and close friends. But in all things I believe there is either a blessing or a lesson. That’s all folks. Peace and Happy New Year in advance.

Tolulope Adeleru-Balogun aka TAB aka Iya Koko aka Babe (according to my husband). Radio troublemaker, full-time diva, part-time chef in heels, and so much more.

Surulere

IMG-20110920-00548

Simply gorgeous! Loving the purplish hues!

Thank you for writing in Tolu!

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