2019: Coming to terms with mortality

One of the earliest recollections of my acknowledgement of mortality was my fear of ageing, which I daresay hasn’t left me till today. It has shifted, morphed, maybe even matured a little bit, but deep down I cannot but associate ageing with death, separation, loss, etc.

How did I know I was afraid? One afternoon I was playing with my mother’s hair, partly wistful because a bout of lice contracted during my second term in JSS1 meant my head had been newly shaven, and partly in awe of how long and full her hair was. And she always let me play with it, perhaps because she felt guilty they scraped my head?

Somewhere in the middle of running my fingers through her hair absent-mindedly and chatting with her, I caught, in the corner of my eye, something that wasn’t jet black. It stuck out like a sore thumb, like an ‘integrity-laden’ Bubu amidst a government overrun by corruption, ineptitude, and nepotism. It was silver, or grey, or white, but definitely not black. I was instantly terrified.

“Baby why are you sniffing,” my mom must have wondered where I caught a cold from. I was silent for all of one minute, and then I blurted out, “You have white hair; I don’t want you to get old,” started crying, and then bawled my eyes out.

It’s been more than 20 years since that incident, and while I am not as terrified of getting older (I now have a few non-black hairs myself, a couple of them situated in the weirdest of places), I occasionally wonder if we couldn’t go about this life and death business a little differently. For instance, why do people have to die at all? Why does it have to be so final, so irreversible? So unpredictable for the most part?

Michael Landon said, “Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows.” Agreed, but what would it hurt if we know exactly how many more tomorrows we had? How much time we had left? Would it be too way off the mark to have something to work with beyond life expectancy figures per country?

On the 24th of November 2018, my cousin passed on after a brief illness, a few days after his 8th wedding anniversary. Another aunty passed on the 14th of December, also after being sick for a while.

On the 1st of January this year, a dear aunt passed on (what a way to start the year, I know). She was, for all intents and purposes, in perfect health. As a matter of fact, she had visited us the day before, just to say hello, visit our newborn (I’m an aunty again, yay), and just generally hang out. And the next day she was no more. Just like that. I do not believe I have processed it yet.

Each death, just as devastating and painful for the family, each coming together of the family, an opportunity to be together and strengthen each other through what has been a difficult three-month period. Each ensuing conversation, a stark reminder of our mortality, of life in all its fleeting glory, and the need to live each day as intentionally as possible.

Intentionality being the key word here.

What Happens Next?

I’ve come into the New Year fully cognisant of Leo Buscaglia’s admonition for us to know that “Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time… It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other”.

Let’s start with a big ‘I love you’ to everyone who reached out to condole with my family, the Agwuegbo’s. Thank you so much.

Here’s an even bigger ‘I love you’ to everyone who has ever read my blog, and to the ones who reached out several times last year to ask why I had stopped writing. To be honest, I can’t explain it either, but I currently feel a certain freedom in my heart that I hope translates into my muse returning and sticking around for a few articles this year.

For Ugochukwu. For Aunty Pauline. For Aunty Ije – forever in our hearts.

Your 2018 and your money

Happy New Year folks!

How did you ring in the new year? Under a mistletoe, exchanging DNA? In church, a mosque, or some other place of worship? Turning up at some party? Whatever way, may the year be good to all of us. May it be better than last year, a whole lot better. 

What are you doing with your money this year? Apart from making it of course. All over social media, there’s talk about making money (tons of it), and generally exploding our treasure chests. Which is great till you realise that you probably had all these speeches this time last year, and your room isn’t littered with shards of your ‘exploded-from-too-much-money’ treasure chest.

Obviously, we expect better this year (and hopefully we will match the wishes with the commensurate grit and hard work). But on the way to that, I decided to domesticate this piece I read on CNNMoney, infused with a few personal touches.

You ready? 

1. Stop saving your leftovers

One thing I learned in 2017 (I know, better late than never) was to pay myself from every money I received (salary, gift, side hustle, whatever). I put the money into an account which I called an investment account and then did most of my investments from there. Also encouraged Bobo to join me in putting aside some money every month into an account which only I have access to (*cue evil laugh*) 

Seriously though, put money aside, first. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I had around the end of 2017 when I needed to get some things done, almost at the same time.

The lesson here: Pay yourself first, no matter how little. It adds up and gives you bulk money which will be more meaningful for projects.  

 

2. Stop using painless payments

Brethren, thank God for technology. Notice how easy it is to shop online these days? The major companies are outdoing themselves with making payments faster and easier, all the way to fingerprint payments.

How many things have you bought just because you could click through? For me, the most recent purchase was a mug. Yes, it was for a good cause (Sanitary Aid NG and you totally should check them out and support them), but it was click, click, click, money spent.

Dan Ariely, a behavioural economist and co-author of “Dollars and Sense”, said, “If it is an automatic deduction you don’t experience the annoyance in the same way and you’re less aware of the costs.” 

The lesson here:  Be intentional about payments you make, resist the urge to save your card details on too many sites, especially retailers. Oh, and stay away from one-click payment options! Take the time to type in your details. 

 

3. Stop being silent about money

We don’t talk about money enough. Most of the time we talk about making it the wrong way or we don’t talk about it at all, we talk about spending it and showing it off, but there are not enough about what exactly to do with it.

Did you know that the more we talk about money (with the right people and in the right contexts), the more confident we become about making better decisions with our own money?

Yes. In engaging with Subomi Plumptre‘s posts on Facebook, and subsequent conversations with her, I learned a lot of ways to put my money to work, and I’m better for it. Much better. In engaging with her and a few others, I learned new ways of saving and investing I didn’t know of. 

The lesson here: If your inner circle is all about spending, and holidays, and turning up, and not about legitimate ways to make and save more, maybe you need to re-evaluate that circle. Talk about apps that track your daily spend, which I’ve learned are even more draining than the periodic big spends. 

 

4. Stop your wholesale club shopping (online or offline)

I will discuss this a little differently than CNNMoney did and relate this to deals. There are a million and one of them, especially online. The temptation to buy the skirt and blouse instead of only the blouse which you need (or you’ve convinced yourself you that you need from the minute you scrolled through the retailer’s Instagram page). Yep, you know what I’m talking about. 

In buying one and getting one free, you’re still spending money to get the one; in saving 25% off an item, you’ve still spent the 75%. So, do you really need it? Yes? Great. Go for it. Can it wait? Yes? Wait.

The lesson here: Intentionally practise delayed gratification, or self-denial. See how long you can hold off on getting something, just because you can. See how you can say no to yourself, and mean it.

 

5. Stop allowing your credit to be available to anyone

Again, domesticating this one to say, go easy on giving loans. A lot of us have tales of woe, debts that have gone from bad to disasters even for the friendships upon which trust and the loans were predicated, and so this should sit easily with you.

There’s a saying that the voice people use in lending money is different from the voice they use in returning it. It might be great to consider giving a gift instead of loaning the money out.

Of course this doesn’t apply to giving to dependants, religious endeavours, charity, or like causes.

The lesson here: What is the friendship worth? What is the money worth? Can you afford to lose both? Think about that before you click the transfer button, or part with money in any other way.

 

Bonus points

A. Invest – What’s better than earning? Putting that money to work for you, and reproduce by itself.

B. Pay – The borrower is slave to the lender. Keep faith and pay your debts, or renegotiate payment terms that you can keep. Don’t make it difficult for the next person in need. Do not be a Pharisee.

C. Reward yourself – Give yourself a gift, you’re worth it.

Happy New Year!

Originally published on Huff Post on the 1st of January.

What lane are you on?

How you doing people? To my Nigerian readers, what did you get up to for the holidays?

I went to Lagos, spent some quality time with my best friend Wunmi, and her son (my godson, duh). Nothing like family!

Dodging the sun vs. basking in the awesome lighting! This is such a great and awful photo at the same time, lol.

I must also confess that my diet was abandoned (which is what good people do during holidays, lol) so I’m typing this from the treadmill, trying to redeem myself.

It was also a good opportunity for me to focus on myself, and the exhaustion I’ve been feeling lately. I’m grateful for the massages, the sleep, the absolute rest I was able to achieve. So thankful.

A bit about my best friend before I move on… She’s an amazing, real chic. Like, I know I’m going to contend with her swollen head later but she’s one of the strongest women I know, an amazing worker, even more supportive wife and mom, and I’m just thankful for her today. Get yourself a bestie like mine!

Okay, Wunmi worship done, here’s the reason I decided to write this. So, it’s still raining in Abuja for reasons I cannot fathom. It rained from 4pm yesterday till about 11pm when I fell asleep. Why? Sigh. Plus it was thundering like God was scolding us (anyone understand thunder-speak?) and totally defeated the ‘weather for two’ purpose of the rain. Just as well since Bobo is far away at the moment.

Anyway, so I was trying to get home when the rain subsided a little bit and there was traffic. Not the Lagos type of traffic that can last an entire pregnancy term but it was bumper to bumper on what should have been an express lane.

I trudged through it, and then around my area, I ran into some traffic as well. A little pissed off at the time I’d already spent navigating traffic, I decided to leave the inner (speed) lane I was on, and get ahead using the outer lane. Was quick for all of five minutes and then I realised I hadn’t factored in that I would have to contend with the ‘keke napep’ riders who use that lane.

I struggled in that lane a little bit, trying to avoid the keke riders who do not see the need to indicate but feel the need to stop abruptly wherever they please, or even the ones who tried to scrape my car in the name of driving rough getting ahead.

When I narrowly missed one of them rear-ending me, I asked myself why I was raising my blood pressure on a lane that ended up not giving me the speed I’d hoped for, and then quietly moved back to where I was earlier.

I thought about it before I slept last night and tried to relate it to everyday living and humans switching lanes thinking someone else has it better than we do. In truth, sometimes they do but we don’t know what else they have to deal with that we don’t. So before we jump into something we’re not ready for in the name of the grass being greener on the other side, maybe think through it a bit more carefully?

PS: I will blog more. It’s a super distraction while I’m jogging on the treadmill. Been using this app called Couch to 10k, I’m in the 7th week, and I did 2.5miles today (25 minutes non stop). Talk about progress, when I started I was barely doing 5 minutes without gasping like I was being strangled. Can’t wait to do a full 5k! Yeah, I’ve never done that before.

What’s going on?

It’s raining – the thunder woke me up, and I’ve been unable to go back to sleep. My niece is beside me, snuggling a little closer every few minutes, so much that if it isn’t morning soon she might edge me off the bed, or put her fingers into my eyes. Lol. Bless her.

What’s going on with/around you? I’m in Abuja, Nigeria and a few things are – there were floods in Makurdi, Benue State about a week ago, displacing between 80, 000 to 130, 000 people. Kudos to my friends Andy Madaki and Alu Azege, and everyone else who has worked tirelessly since then, collating and disbursing donations, providing temporary shelters and emergency care for the people. The Vice President finally visited the state (yesterday) the 6th of September, approximately 10 days after the incident.

 

In other news, Friday and Monday were public holidays to commemorate the Big Sallah. Tuesday would normally have been Federal Executive Council meeting but the Ministry of Information released a statement saying the holidays didn’t allow them time to prepare for the meeting. I don’t get it. From Boko Haram to universities and now resident doctors going on strike, internally displaced people in Makurdi adding to the IDPs we’ve had in the north for a few years (and the outbreak of cholera there), where is the urgency? I’m so confused and hurt. Nigerians are certainly not the priority for this government.

What else? Nigeria’s officially out of a recession. Difficult to celebrate that because one pronouncement doesn’t undo the suffering of the last 18 months. Plus, analysts say we ‘wasted’ the recession, have no clear plans for stabilizing or even increasing this growth, so we might slide back in again. Dreary thought. Ugh.

I saw a discussion on Twitter an hour ago, some admonition for women going to restaurants with guys and ordering the cheapest thing or at least what the guy ordered. Beyond rolling my eyes and wondering if women will ever graduate from the school called ‘How Do We Please Men Today’, I have no other comments.  It’s almost Christmas. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. Looks like this year Christmas will be different; I can’t say how yet, but I’m looking forward to it.

What else? It’s almost Christmas. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. Looks like this year Christmas will be different; I can’t say how yet, but I’m looking forward to it. God keep us.

Finally, I miss my aunty. Yeah, same one who died in July 2013, 6.58pm on the 21st. So much to talk with her about. Sometimes I wonder how much different my life would be if she were still alive. I don’t know.

What’s going on around you?

By the way, it’s still raining. Ugh.

PS: Sending love and light to the various locations around the world reeling from excessive rainfall and flooding, mudslides and hurricanes. My heart is with you.

PPS: Thoughts and prayers for the Rohingya in Myanmar. May we not see our heroes turn into oppressors. Aung San Suu Kyi I’m looking at you.

PPPS: The uptake of African rulers shutting down the Internet to drown opposing views/punish their people is scary. 50% increase so far from 2015. Togo’s just shut down their internet. Crazy times.

Who are you following? Where are they headed?

No I’m not writing about the (in)famous “follow me” sometimes perpetuated on social media. I personally will consider requests on a case by case basis but I know quite a few people who don’t brook it at all. Thankfully, on Twitter, you can leave your DMs open for private messages so that’s not an excuse for the request anymore.

But that’s not what this is about.  So I was in a bit of hurry a few days ago, don’t remember where I was headed but I remember I was in a hurry. And then at some point where it was a single-lane road, we were all held up. I waited for a little while, then I left the growing queue only to find out that the person in front of the line was waiting behind a parked car.

Sigh. I had spent a few minutes I didn’t have in a queue behind a parked car? Sigh.

Made me wonder about the many times we expect to make progress but we’re headed in the wrong direction or even stagnant.

I’ve written about this before – one time when I’d spent the night at a friend’s and I was really hot, even after I took after everything I was wearing. Turns out I’d been working the radiator wrong, and therefore not getting any results for all the effort I was putting in.

So think about it. Are you not hitting your targets because the targets are wrong or your process is wrong, or you’re headed in the opposite direction of that target?

The exigencies of today mean that we must be on point as far as direction and focus is concerned. So we cannot afford to be headed in the wrong direction, not even for a wee minute. I read somewhere that it is better to run back than to run the wrong way. As in it’s never too late to retrace your steps and take another stab at achieving whatever you were trying to that hasn’t yet worked out.

Dr Seuss said, “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who’ll decide where to go.”

I wish you all the best with that!

How easy is it to exchange good for better?

So my friend Bella put up a Facebook post recently, and it spoke to me in a very distinct way.

My comment? “Ha ha ha… I love it! Plus I love “rehearsing my rights in my head”… sometimes God has stuff in store for us but we resist the change, holding on to what we think we have…” Somehow the thought didn’t leave me so I thought I’d write about it (and I have Bella’s permission to share).

Picture this: we’re holding on to something we think is precious, maybe something we achieved by ourselves, or might even be something He put in our hands.

And then God says, I want to give you something better, want to upgrade you, and we refuse. We go up in arms because we’ve gotten comfortable wherever we are or with whatever we have that we refuse to let Him have His sweet way in our lives.

Interesting how a lot of us can relate to this, and how much God rolls His eyes at us sometimes. We know He doesn’t do any less thing, we know He gives only good and perfect gifts, we know we are the Apple of His eye and He is aware of every hair that falls from our heads, yet we don’t trust Him enough to give us better than we have? Sigh.

Was a learning moment for me, more like a reminder that sometimes it’s okay to let go. Let go of good so we have room for better, let go of better to receive God’s best. It’s for our own good.

Have a good one!

PS: This photo is so super! I have to find a rooftop to get a photo like this, and soon!

An evening with Fela Durotoye

Early in October 2016 I spent the day with my day one girl, Francesca. It’s always a pleasure to hang out with someone who not only gets it, she gets me completely. She’s gorgeous in and out, and is one of the realest people I know. But this post is not about her, it was about a ‘meeting’ we went to.

We went as a group to see Fela Durotoye and it was one of the best evenings out I’ve had in a long time! Anyone who knows or has interacted closely with Fela Durotoye knows that he’s such a profound and prolific speaker. And when you add that to the fact that he’s a Christian and has the wisdom of God flowing through him, any/every interaction is one that’s sure to be a blessing.

And so it was, that we spent the evening with his beautiful family. One of the first things I said to myself after spending a few minutes was I would work very hard to raise children that would bring God, us, and their societies joy. Pure joy.

When we eventually got to chatting with Mr Durotoye, I started taking notes, and I’ve reproduced them as is, simply because I stumbled on them recently and I was so blessed all over again I wanted to share. Most of the talk was centred around relationships, marriage (in the 21st century), and pleasing God.

Ready?

• Love (in addition to the many definitions that exist) – genuine desire and pursuit of the best well-being for another person. How do you measure love? Sacrifice
• Honour – Recognition of the glory of God in another (to the maximum). How do you measure honour? Adoration

The onus of admiration doesn’t lie on the woman but in the man… he must be admirable.

You can decide to love a person, even in spite of themselves. But you cannot honour them in spite of themselves.

How do we build a generation of admirable men? How do we prepare men that women will honour?

Proverbs 12: 4 – A prudent wife is the crown of her husband. It is the man who bejewels his crown.

There are stats to show that the economic, social, and psychological values of a nation are tied to the family unit.

And then we moved away from family, love, and relationships into nation-building.

Any generation must leave three things for the next’

1. Values
2. Environment (that allows the values to thrive)
3. A good name  (that opens doors of opportunity for the values to thrive)

If we’re going to build Nigeria into a desirable place to be and live in, we must fix the next generation of marriages.

The following are very key to passing on our values to the next generation

A. Transcend bias (religious, cultural, etc)

B. Show personal benefit

C. Be communicable (Messaging must be consistent)

D. Demonstrable

How could the devil who was described as perfect have pride in him? He discovered he was perfect, and his focus became in himself. That’s when he decided to ascend to the place where God was. It became about ‘self’, about ‘me’.

The mentality of ‘other centric’ – leadership… ‘self-centric’ – rulership

If you don’t frame and know your values, ou will acquire values as you go, and they could be positive or negative.

Every generation will have to explain why they ‘didn’t’ or ‘how they ‘did’ – which of them will we be?

Finally, Mr Fela talked about the tripartite, triangular relationship between vision/values, a road map, and people/projects, and how a mastery of all three will ensure you never have unfinished projects.

And then it was time to go home, because good things come to an end. Like this post. 🙂

 

 

 

Change…

“We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.” Max De Pree

Just some quick thoughts about the New Year, what we want to do/be/achieve and how quite a number of us erroneously believe that wanting a thing (even bad enough) is all it takes for us to do/be/achieve that thing.

I found this quote yesterday in the course of fulfilling a committment to an organization and it literally jumped out at me. How do you want to see different if you don’t do different? My dad says it’s insanity to plant corn and pray to reap strawberries. Lol. But really. Think about it.

*Let’s not be like the Nigerian government who want to increase the quantity of rice in the country and decide the best place to plant the rice is on rocks. Without irrigation or watering of any kind, fertilizers, nothing. Yet the plan is to increase the quantity of rice for everyone. Sigh.

So do you need to change a habit, eat better (read as less, lol), sleep for longer (or less), get a hobby (or hubby – gosh I’m so silly); do you need to get closer to God, hit some milestones at work, be a better friend/partner/parent, make money so good you’re not swayed by any of the exchange rates in Nigeria at the moment? Nice!

So, what’s the plan? What are the concrete steps to getting there? In a conversation very early this year I figured I have close to no knowledge of project management and it is something that can smoothen the processes for a number of things I am involved with. So, off I went to register for a course, classes start in a bit.

There are a couple other things I need to work on, sort out, and be better at, and we’re on the road to that. Amen to God’s help and strength, and grace to stay the course.

So, away from me, what are you doing? Better yet, what are you doing different?

Happy New Year.

Let’s talk about shame, shall we?

2016 has been an interesting year for me like I can imagine it’s been for a lot of people. For starters, my niece was born in February so I’ve got two shining lights in my life now. My family is great, work could be better but it’s good too, and pieces of my life have fallen in and out of place at different times.  The vagaries of life, isn’t that what some would call it?

In the past few days, I’ve been reading a book by Jon Ronson, “So you’ve been publicly shamed” talking about the democratisation of public shaming ab how people online and offline have developed a voice, one empowered to dispense justice as occasion serves.

From Max Mosley to Justine Sacco, Ronson chronicles stories of public shaming, the manifestation of deindividuation and how shaming is becoming a form of social control. Deindividuation refers to people partaking of things in a group they probably wouldn’t pioneer if, they had to individually. A more relatable, somewhat simpler term would be ‘The Mob’.

The book was personal for me in several ways, explaining a few concepts I want to work on in the New Year. I thought about the relief that confessions bring, and even though I’ve never said “Father forgive me for I have sinned” in a booth, I have felt (and I imagine it’s the same for a lot of people) the relief that comes from opening to God, a friend, partner, colleague, or parent. The “I don’t have to carry this alone” feeling, the belly-deep peace, the flat feeling equivalent of ‘he who is down fears no fall’, ground zero. At that point, emptiness is welcome. Feeling spent is almost a positive.

Shaming as it applies to men and women is also something this book explores in detail, how sexual issues (impropriety, idiosyncrasies, and mannerisms) are more likely to taint and damage women than men. ‘Slut-shaming’ as the offence and the punishment, an interesting concept, is also discussed. For instance, a woman is involved in a sex-scandal with a man, and the commentary naturally weighs more on her end, as snarky as it is hurtful and unforgiving. The man is mentioned, but it is the woman whose story is told with relish, her person and career hacked into. Women rarely ‘come back’ from the scandal.

As the punishment – a woman is in the spotlight for something the mob sees as wrong, whether it be financial impropriety or the misspeaks that are all too common online these days. The responses most of the time will bear on her sexuality, prescribing some sort of sexual punishment that deviates almost completely from the crime. Blame patriarchy, blame globalised expressions of ancient practices, blame anything you want.

How do people recover from a shaming? The truth is some people never do. Some others take years to rid themselves of the stigma, and even then, never completely succeed; it resurfaces every time they do, a permanent reminder of a wrong decision taken. Some others ignore it, and in doing so ‘take the power’ away from their traducers. There is a Yoruba saying that goes, “You cannot remove a man’s cap in his absence”. Not that a person cannot be shamed in their absence, but they must mentally enter that ‘dock’ for it to have any effect.

It might explain the ‘lack of shame’ that we say is ostensive in Nigerian/African/fix in your country’s leaders; the mental absence from the ‘gibbet’ where the shaming should occur. Think African leaders who have buried their umbilical cords in their offices and refuse to step down or hand over. But, I digress.

There is also ‘disrespecting the narrative’ created by the shaming which was influenced by the narrative of the action by creating a third narrative. Stay with me. Let’s say Ada does something ‘bad’ – narrative one. The public shames her – narrative two. She can decide to curl up and hide, or completely ignore the shaming, or she can flip the situation and create narrative three, make it anything she wants. That narrative disrespects one and two and is where my interest lies.

There are variations to shame, and the trauma caused by shaming. Various things trigger this trauma, and it differs from person to person. Same way grief, its manifestations and triggers are personal and differ from person to person.

Perhaps this is a good place to stop and express the rest of my thoughts when I finish reading the book and reflecting. Perhaps a nice concluding statement would be to take an extra minute before losing ourselves in the mobs that play judge and jury online/offline. Even when we think we have all the facts. Even when we convince ourselves that the person is worthy of the vitriol. Wait. Think.

#31Days… and a couple writers

Sometimes we plan things and they don’t go as we plan – fact of life. Other times we don’t plan things, and they happen – another fact of life. Any other variations to this statement? Don’t think so. 

I’ve got five voices to grace the blog this month, and I’m most grateful to them for taking the time to chronicle their year for you, my glorious readers. Meanwhile, 2017 has to be better, I must write more! Gosh! I miss it!

We kick off the series with a personal friend of mine, Ehimen. He is dependable, a lover of God, and has the most gorgeous wife! God bless you for writing in Mr Wordsmith!

Appreciating the value of Today while it is today

Many men would rather wear a luxury timepiece on their wrists than wear their emotions on their sleeves, especially if those emotions are powerful enough to make them cry. Well, I’ve learned to do both and as someone jocularly noted recently, look well put together while at it. He was referring to the fact that I cried at my own wedding –an occasion for which I was suitably attired, complete with a finely-crafted wristwatch peeking out from under the sleeve of my tuxedo- but I somehow managed to avoid the pictures of me crying going viral, unlike another gentleman who also got married in 2016 and cried like a baby at his wedding.

Why did I cry at my wedding? It wasn’t only because of the profundity of starting to learn the awesome mystery that marriage is, nor was it only because my wife is the walking exemplar of the word “beautiful”. It wasn’t only because my entire lifetime flashed before me in an instant and I was grateful to GOD for the many times He saved me from death. It wasn’t only because I remembered my father who died when I was nine-and-a-half years old and left me in a world where I was told (a bit too early) to “be a man for your younger ones”. Those are small contributors to the whole truth. The whole truth is at that time, my body, soul and spirit sent commands to my eyes to produce tears and I didn’t know how to not yield. I am human.

Men who shy away from being emotional often miss the privilege of having Father Time and Mother Nature tell them what time it is better than any man-made time-telling device ever can. I received a sobering reminder of this truth just a few days before I composed this. The routine of everyday life had stealthily crept into my marriage. You see, “the two shall become one” promise of marriage doesn’t happen instantaneously and can take gruelling work. My wife and I were just sheathing our swords from killing a giant marauder so the lovey-dovey “I love you’s” weren’t being exchanged with the gusto we started off with. I hadn’t done anything major to honour her in public in a long time, which was counter to what I’d learned that good women deserve. I subscribe to this truth King Lemuel’s mother told him about virtuous women:

“Her husband brags about her and says, “There are many good women but you are the best!” Give her the reward she deserves. Praise her in public for what she has done.”

A few nights ago I tiptoed out of bed and went to post on Facebook in appreciation of my wife. If I pulled it off right, it would almost be the equivalent of sending her flowers at work. By the time she saw my post, it was past noon and I wasn’t even at home. However, her appreciation of my romantic effort was muted as we found out that morning that someone very close to us had just died. While my wife was in tears and my mouth was agape in shock, I realized that at the very same time that I was putting up a picture and celebrating my wife on Facebook, we lost someone dear who we’d been procrastinating calling to appreciate. In fact, as I was rifling through the pictures on my computer to pick the one I eventually used to celebrate my wife, I saw some pictures of the now deceased and was contemplating sending them to her, not knowing she had just left this world. Every like and comment we got on that Facebook post was a jarring reminder to love each other and make the most of every moment as we’re not promised the next.

So to those who hide their love and appreciation of others while waiting for the perfect time, this is your wake-up call. Don’t just add this lesson to your “New Year Resolutions for 2017” list; start it now! One thing I’m deliberately doing right now is pouring out my heart into all that I do so that I can be the best version of myself while I have the time to do so. I’m working on a project aimed at reducing the impact of hate speech online and offline in Nigeria so that as a nation we don’t repeat the mistakes that led to the horrific genocide that happened in Rwanda in 1994. That’s my way of showing love to people and helping them stay alive to love others.

A sad thing it is when the sun sets on our lives and those of our loved ones because we failed to seize the day while it was day.

Thank you for writing in Peter, here’s to a fabulous holiday and an ever greater new year!