#31Days31Writers: My girl @Xeenarh says “To be able to say I love you is a gift”

When did I even meet Azeenarh? I don’t remember to be honest. What do I remember about her though? Frank conversations, laughter, real talk, dinners at her place (babes remember the ‘after birthday party’ you threw for me this year with lots of cake)? @Xeenarh’s a real person; what you see is what you get. No airs, no high shoulders, nothing. One way we’re alike? She loves to travel! Dang! Like, you can grab a bite with Azeenarh today, and tomorrow you call to pick up, I don’t know, a pencil you forgot in her bag and she says she’s just touched down in some European country! Girl can move! 

We did some work together last year, first time I’d ever done that so I was really excited – it was a Book Sprint for Heinrich Boll, and I chronicled the 7 days we were holed up in a house in Maitama here https://fairygodsister.wordpress.com/2014/12/02/13th-all-in-a-days-work-the-day-after-the-day-after/.

So, give it up for my gorgeous, skinny (yes I’m beefing) friend, Azeenarh!

I’m Azeenarh Mohammed, Nigerian, resident in airports and tech conferences, happily unemployed.

The first thing I am grateful for is that 2015 is ending. Yeah, I said it! Despite recording a couple of good things (Nigeria eradicating polio, a peaceful democratic transition, passage of Violence Against Persons Act) the year was also all round shitty. Boko Haram continued to wreak havoc in the land, we passed a very vague and harmful Cyber Crime Prohibition Act which is being used to silence bloggers and journalists, and we switched a clueless government for another one that seems just as insensitive. But let me step away from that (deep breath) and focus on some not so bad stuff…

One thing I learned this year; it is a gift to be able to say I love you. To ourselves, to our parents, to our family, our friends, our partners and even many other people in our lives. So many people go through life not hearing these words said to them and I feel this is one of the tragedies of our times. One thing we can never do too much of is say and show people how much we love them. Life is too short to feel awkward. So go ahead, look at yourself in the mirror and gift yourself the words; I love you. Don’t be shy to tell your parents, your friends, your personal persons, your baby sister, how much they mean to you and how grateful you are that they are still here with you. Then before ringing off, tell them you love them. I promise it gets easier after the third time 🙂

The one thing I would undo in 2015 is everything that happened on 19^th January 2015. I wish I had called my sister to tell her I loved her. I wish I had called her to check on her. I wish I had taught her how to use Circle of 6. I wish I had been more present in her life. I wish I knew more about her last moments. I wish I could have hugged her. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I wish. I wish. I wish…

But sadly, life doesn’t work that way.

Things I would do all over again; quit my job. We are brought up to ‘go to school, get a degree, find a partner, find a job, settle down and live happily ever after’. This puts so much pressure on individuals that we never really get a chance to find ourselves and follow our passions. If there is a gift I could give to everyone, it would be 1 year of paid unemployment. So we can all learn to breathe deeply, live simply, listen/sleep consistently, find/confirm our true calling and most importantly, center ourselves. But since I cannot gift you that, I encourage you to save hard so that you would be able to take anything from six months to 1 year off work and life. We need to be able to pause, to heal, to grow, to marinate in ourselves and our emotions.

I wish that the gains humanity recorded in 2015 are surpassed, that we start to look past our perceived differences and learn to live together in peace. I hope that we learn to dream, to actualize those dreams, and to allow others the freedom to dream big and actualise their dreams. I desire joy, happiness, good health and contentment for myself and my loved ones. And I wish the same for all of you too! See you in 2016.

Love, @xeenarh.

I love you baby girl, and again I’m truly, really sorry about January. Here’s to a 2016 without any bad news or evil occurrence, full of God’s great joy, peace, and very many blessings!

My New Chosen Career…

I made a decision this morning, and that is to be very rich. Mind you, I have always wanted to be rich, but this morning I decided on a new course of action to achieve that goal. I am going to get into public office (currently working on schematics) and then I will do one thing – plunder like there is no tomorrow.

I will award contracts to phony companies set up in different variations of my name and the names of my family members, and to my friends as soon as they sign over a minimum of 30% of the contract sum to me. Whether they deliver or not is immaterial, and I can always look good from making a big show of threatening to revoke said contracts when I’m up for a second or third term.

Ahh! I will give personal gifts using public funds, including cars, landed property, trips abroad, livestock, you name it – all that matters is that I’m seen as generous, loving, and supportive. Doesn’t matter that basic amenities in the areas under my jurisdiction are non-existent or dilapidated, that the people whose votes (whether real or stolen) put me in that office are impoverished, or whether I cannot even bear to live in my place of primary assignment because of the alarming level of crime that I have done sod all about. I will give gifts on behalf of my family and myself to whosoever I please, and I won’t give a damn what you think.

Why won’t I give a damn? Errr, because apart from craft cleverly worded tweets and Facebook updates, you don’t do much else. Matter of fact, I can count a good number of your activist peers who pay me nocturnal tea visits, hoping for a slice of national cake to go with it.

Why don’t I give a damn? Let’s see… right. Another reason is because traditional rulers, who should be the custodians of our culture, teachers of right and wrong, and role models for the community, have made camp with political parties that best serve their interests regardless of ideology.

Long as you use the creamiest butter on their bread, doesn’t matter if you’re a rogue, murderer, or pedophile. I’ve been advised that once I’m in that office, they will flock to me, begging to give me chieftaincy titles. And I will accept, because I am an illustrious son of the soil.

You know the biggest reason why I don’t care though? The more wealth I amass, the more immune to prosecution I become. Ahh, there are even some offices I can occupy where something called the ‘immunity clause’ posits that I am above the law.

A thousand blessings to the brains that enacted and ratified that law, it is one of the reasons I aspire to public office. For all the enemies of progress who at one time or the other tried to campaign against that clause, it will not be well with you!

Now, in the event that I offend someone higher up who decides to embarrass with a robbery/fraud accusation, I can decide to engage my army of thugs to fight off the Policemen who dared to try to arrest me, or simply flee to another country to escape prosecution. If the odds are stacked against me and the Police there get a hold of me too, I can post bail, and then escape!! Yes, flee that evil land either dressed as a woman, a circus animal, or inside a drum of oil.

There’s no place like home. I’ll return knowing fully well that after a few days of talking about me and my triumphant entry from my sojourn abroad, they’ll move on to ‘fighting corruption’ in other quarters. And the icing on the cake?

A few years of laying low, bowing at strategic shrines, rebuilding my profile, and of course showing remorse, and I get a presidential pardon! Glory! My slate is wiped clean, and I am free to vie for office again to finish what I started, serving my country with all my strength.

Background reading

Presidential pardon sparks outrage & Nigeria pardons Goodluck Jonathan ally

P:S – originally posted on the Future Challenges site on the 20th of March 2013.