Posts Tagged ‘Francesca Uriri’

Hey you!

Hope you had a good week… Mine was great. Could have been better, maybe I would have done some things differently, but I have no regrets. I went to Lagos for a meeting and got back into Abuja the next day, and as always I’m grateful for traveling mercies. Very grateful.

Beyond sharing ideas and knowledge for a company I sit on the board of at the meeting, it was a time of great learning and reflection, and that’s what this post is about.

Where do you learn? Are you one of those professional, it must be in a class/board room setting, with set objectives and goals type of people? And that’s fine, we’re all wired differently. Or, are you one of those ‘we see life lessons in the sun, moon and stars’ kind of people who pick tips and tricks from everything?

I think I’m becoming more of the latter, while fully retaining the former part of me that does very well with formal learning situations. I have a friend, Adebola Williams, Co-Founder of Red Media Africa who makes me feel like I should have a Moleskine and a pen whenever I’m around him. It’s in the little things he does; the way he greets people, how he manages to make people (even strangers) feel noticed and special, the natural thought about optics and how things will be perceived or not, how he thinks so quickly about everything before it’s done, I could go on and on and on.

I have another friend, Francesca, who believes there’s a lesson in everything, and therefore will never let me give in to dreary situations, who always looks for the silver lining even in pitch darkness, who has a positive outlook on life that will put motivational speakers to shame. And so from her I learn to put my melancholic bits under control.

Errr, it’s just occurred to me that mentioning some and not mentioning others might start a fight (lol) so let’s generalize for the rest of this please.

There are a number of them of who send me things to read because they know these pieces will be useful to me, who push me with questions like “what new thing have you learned today, what book have you read, what’s new with you (that has nothing to do with boys or fashion, lol), etc.”  There are some who will tease me endlessly when I mispronounce a word, one who has tapped my head even (sigh), but who push me to continuously ‘upgrade’ my knowledge.

Do you have those kinds of people? Don’t have to do exactly what my friends do (like hit my head) but I think everyone should have someone (or some people) who are ‘devoted’ to their improvement, and we should be that for others too. Only fair abi?

Now, to my crush. Whoosh! I’m so in love! It’s the twinkle in their eye as they talk about rising from adversity and uncertainty to becoming (Francesca’s favorite word and I know she’s going to have my head on a platter for this, lol). It’s the calculated defiance, the refusal to be boxed in, hindered by limitations that were hitherto acceptable by everyone else. It’s their being able to stand in the face of grief and loss, and still be so awesome my heart is leaping within my chest just because I’m typing about them.

My new crush is Dame Stephanie Shirley. She’s only got space for one ‘crusher’, my honorable self so please, move back! The Telegraph said of her “If there is a constant thread running through the life of Dame Stephanie Shirley it is the refusal to let difficulty and disaster stand in her way”.

Such an inspiration! Big thank you to Tolu for sending the link to her TedTalk to me. I am a good person so I’m sharing it with you. I took out two things (actually I took out a lot of things but here are two I tweeted).

Screenshot 2016-03-12 08.53.58

And these below, are her keys to success. She says there are only two.

Screenshot 2016-03-12 08.54.08

She’s incredible. She has so far given away over £100million to both the development of technology (including being the Founding Donor to the Oxford Internet Institute) and especially to research around autism and management of people who are autistic. Why she gives away that much? She said, “The fact that I almost died in the Holocaust means that I’m motivated to make sure that each day is worth living, that my life was worth saving. I do it because of my personal history; I need to justify the fact that my life was saved.”

I have now found a much longer video which I will watch as soon as I can get some free time from my nephew, which is an hour-long speech she made at Gresham College which traces her life growing up, coming to the United Kingdom via Kindertransport, her career and breaking several glass ceilings, her son and his autism, etc. It’s like her biography, only in the flesh. Excited, and I haven’t even watched it yet!

I’m off now, have tons of work to get through this morning.

Have a brilliant Saturday (and weekend), and never stop learning.

This particular person? I don’t remember how we met. Like I tried to search my brain this morning, no luck. But, she’s one of God’s greatest gifts to me. Francesca is the angel God sent from heaven to save me from myself, yank me out of self-pity, stress, fear, you name it. Fran is the person who will listen to me complaining about something and in the middle of my well-prepared speech will go, “but Chisco I reject this feeling of sadness in the mighty name of Jesus!” I either start laughing (I think it’s something with the way she pronounces ‘Jesus’ when she’s trying to shut me up), or I start crying because I’m overwhelmed. But she never leaves me there. She will sit with me (even if over the phone), and be quiet with me till I’m better, or till she decides she’s had enough then she’ll go back to bullying me!!

Lol. I love her. Few females I really love (or love at all), and she’s one of them. Everyone needs a friend like her. Someone who you can be silly with, who accepts you the way you are (and loves you intensely), who prays for/with you, who is real. That’s it, Onomarie (and I can never say this name right) is real.

2015 was the year I learned not to be afraid. Pause.

That’s not entirely true. Let me rephrase that.

2015 was the year I learnt to face my fears, confront AND overcome them.

You see, I’d often viewed “facing fear” as something soft or abstract – not overly ground-shifting or life-altering. The loss of a job maybe, a bad breakup, or an uncomfortable confrontation; you know, difficult things, but not really life and death.

Well. Let’s just say life happened.

I lost my father on the 2nd of January 2015, and in many ways it is still a shock, almost unbelievable actually. That swift, sudden, brutal and absolutely painful event shattered every single thing in my life. I hated God, life, my immediate family, my late father (God rest his soul), and everybody else I came in contact with. I was seething with this volcanic-like rage; just bitter, angry, lost, grieving and waiting to erupt. I wanted to colour the world black, because that is how my soul felt – dark and odious. Like Job said in the Bible, “the thing I feared most had come upon me.”

But fear (and grief) are heavy burdens to carry; they poison everything they come in contact with. So I had to make a (hard) decision – to keep moving, or to let my grief (and fear) consume me. My father may have died, but I was still living. I owed it to his memory, and more importantly, to myself, to live wholesomely and completely. As long as I had breath in my lungs, dreams in my heart, and yearning in my spirit, I would keep living, and by God, I would keep moving forward.

So I reset myself – my soul, my mind, and my spirit – not an easy task to do by the way. I cried when I had to, (still do that sometimes). I learned to share my grief, my questions, my angst, my concerns, with my friends and burden-helpers, those who upheld me like pillars, people who fought tirelessly to move me out of the funk. Those who gave me tough love by saying “Okay, that’s enough, no more now.” Those who sent messages of hope, encouragement and humour, those who stood in the gap for me, who prayed, sent me food, or just sat with me.

It’s been an incredible year really. I lost my father, but I gained an incredible perspective on life. I learned that family is less and less those who bear the same surname with you, but much more about those who share your grief and your triumphs. I learned that putting someone you love in the ground, is one of the worst things that can happen to you, but maybe also the most important, because you value more, those you have with you. I’ve learned to be less patient with time-wasters; people who take and take from you – your time, your energy, your resources, your emotions, – without giving back. I’ve learned to immerse myself fully in life, to laugh, to learn, to travel, to love, by God, to live!! I’ve learned to live this life honestly, completely, fully, but also intentionally. Never before, have I been this desperate to accomplish God’s call and purpose for my life. Never before have I cared less about “haters” or “enemies” what are those? Only distractions. Only pesky scarecrows in my rich field of wheat and barley.

I have learned that fear is there to be overcome; you must not let it rule you. Fear is not of God, it’s from the devil. I have learned to look fear in the eye and say “ehen, you’ve hit me with your best shot, now fuck off!.” I have learned to stand. Oh! to stand and keep standing. I have learned to stand victoriously. I have learned focus and the beauty of rising up from ashes.

I have learned that my scars are my greatest assets; that instead of reminding me of the past and filling me with regret, that they point me towards the future, towards the woman I am meant to be, towards the woman I am becoming. I have learned love – that it is ABSOLUTELY about giving – anything less than that, is jive. I have found God again, anew, different, deeper. I am listening for Him more, involving Him with everything – from the mundane to the important. Oh! And I am still fighting fear, daily – in my work, in my mind, in my spirit, but I am winning, because I am of God’s I CANNOT lose.

I don’t know exactly what 2016 has in store for me, but I imagine that it will be a year of achieving big goals and dreams. I’m standing ready. As the Yoruba proverb goes: “there is nothing coming from the sky that the earth cannot handle.” That is me, standing ready, standing prepared, because the earth is mine and the fullness thereof. Bring it on 2016!

My gorgeous friend...

My gorgeous friend…

I love you chekeleke. My sister-girl!

A few times this week I’ve had cause to use this phrase “may we not become the thing/person we criticise” and after I used it this evening while chatting with my darling girl/expert tensioner Francesca, I decided to write about it!

First off, I was pushing off to Lagos on Tuesday for a meeting/meeting some actors on location and I met Nasiru at the airport. Now, Nasty (what we affectionately call him) is a long time friend and former boss at the BBC World Service Trust while I was there.

Nasty is a very good friend of mine (offline and online), and probably doesn’t remember how he encouraged me sometime in 2009 when I had a really rough period because of one silly diary I found. I remember everything you said to me Nasty, and I’m super grateful!

Anyway, so we talked about our old office, and how things have changed, how people we thought of in one way became a totally different thing, and I expressed fears about the corrupting effect power has on people. Nasty was quick to remind me that not everyone is misled by power, and we wrapped that conversation with “may we not be the thing/person/people we criticise”.

The day before I was trying to register for a voter card (didn’t happen eventually), and I remember thinking all sorts of angry thoughts because of the really stressful day I ended up having. These thoughts included everyone who had something to do with the really shoddy preparations for the registration, including the policeman who threatened me (chronicle coming up soon). And while I talked to someone about it later that evening, he tried to make excuses for a few of the people I had it really bad for. Of course I didn’t want to think of it, but I did (later), and I hoped people would give me the benefit of the doubt when I needed it.

And then there was the conversation with Fran earlier this evening, we talked about a somewhat mutual friend and the drama she gets at home. While I agree that she definitely could have it better, I also know that it’s very few parents who would intentionally set out to hurt their kids. And so I said to Fran that I pray we don’t become the parents our kids talk to their friends about, the ones who give them loads of drama.

There’s at least two more instances this week that I’ve used this phrase, and I honestly don’t remember if I came up with it or if I read it somewhere, or if someone said it to me. I just know that it’s worth taking a minute to reflect before we chew the next person out. Not saying to cover evil or condone ‘anyhowness’, but people make mistakes, and we can too.

Have a smashing new week!

 

PS: It’s Francesca’s birthday next week, and I’m super excited! Francesca is a beautiful daughter of Zion, and has become one of the strongest arms I lean on, always there when I need her. I would go on and on now but there’d be nothing to put in the card, and she’s the kind of person who would refer me to this post just to tell me I’ve said the same thing twice! Love you long time B!

PSS: She wrote for the first #31Days31Writers series, and she’s so intense! Loved her piece!

PSSS: God please do not let anything happen to Joan Rivers (who is reportedly on life support). She might have a really caustic mouth but I really like her!

Greetings from Barnes Close, Worcestershire, which played home to us fourteen women from different countries in Africa, being the second residency of five for Diaspora Women in England funded by the Royal Arts Society, Comic Relief, and delivered brilliantly by Jill, Amita, and Geeta of the Women, Leadership and Change program.

Wow! That was a mouthful! I’m thankful for being chosen to experience this exploration into ourselves, the study of different leadership styles, the amazing food at the Center for Peace and Reconciliation (where we are lodged), and the peace/serenity on this massive expanse of land. I’m even more grateful cos it seems like I haven’t spent more than 7 days in any place recently, and the peace, quiet, and absence of the internet is really welcome! Plus, it’s the beautiful month of May, the flowers are blooming, and the farm is really beautiful! Glory be to God I don’t have any allergies…

Now, who remembers 31 Days 31 writers from December? I know I do! From Sierra Leone to Sango Ota (not really, but I needed to use another ‘s’, lol), there was a writer everyday, telling us what their year had been like, lessons they had learned, people they were grateful to/for, and things they would do differently if they could.

One word? Ah-ma-zing! Incredible learning, it was like a 360 degrees lesson on life every time a new one was published! Old, young, big, small, I had the most the most exquisite pieces on the blog in December! Here are a couple, in no particular order.

“I would shut up and let her do her mothering” – Vickie Remoe #31days31writers

“I have learnt that homosexuality exists in 450 species” – Okechukwu is a shining star on #31days31writers today!

“I won the lottery!!” – Tolu #31days31writers

“Your friend is your need answered” – a surprise appearance on the #31days31writers project!

“I have so much to be grateful for!” – Mac-Jordan #31Days31Writers

“The internet lives” – Pa Ikhide starts the second week of my #31days31writers project!

“Who says black men shouldn’t cry?” – My girl Francesca Uriri! #31days31writers

Guess what? We’re doing it again in July! Whoop! How about an appraisal of the first six months of the year, what you’re excited about, definitely what you’re grateful for, and what you’re looking forward to as we speed to the end of 2014! I’m excited already!

I’m not sure yet if I want people who have written before to go again (so we can accommodate new voices), but I won’t say no to anyone. How’s that?

Interested? Of course you are! You can tweet me to say you’re interested (@ChiomaChuka), DM an email address if we follow each other, or simply send me an email here – dfairygodsister(at)yahoo(dot)com.

There are 20 slots, and it’s as simple as the first to get in touch get the slots! It would be absolutely fabulous if all the pieces are scheduled by the end of the month so get in touch already!

 

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You know how this idea for the #31days31writers project started? To start with I know YNaija’s done something like that in 2012, I think I wrote for that sef. I did! It was an article on babes beefing each other for no reason, and you won’t believe the gender that bashed me the most on that piece? Lol!

For this one though, I saw someone tweet in November (I swear I don’t remember their handle and I’m on a Twitter fast so I can’t go look) but he was talking about it and I thought, this might be cool for the end of the year. I didn’t act on it though till the 26th of November, and then I gave all my writers till the 28th to hand in their pieces. With benefit of hindsight, it must have a freaked a number of them out!

Anyway, so I must have asked 40 people, and out of those I got 30. And I am more than grateful that they took the time to squeeze their 2013 into 600 words, and send in the lovely pictures they did. From castration for sex offenders, to faith in the Lord, rebuilt confidence, loyalty from friends, second chances, to resolutions for the new year, homosexuality and homophobia, 2013 was different for every one of my writers, and I am so proud of them!!

Did you miss any of the articles? Well, you’re welcome, I’ve listed all of them below!

  1. DAY 1: The first in the ‘a post a day’ series – Chude Jideonwo
  2. “I learned that I matter” – Francine! #31days31writers
  3. “I have learnt pain is a part of the process” – Emeka #31days31writers
  4. “I use writing as a tool to make a difference” – Chijioke #31days31writers
  5. “No more Mr Nice Guy” – Mr Mobility! #31days 31 writers
  6. “I’m thankful for stability” – Saratu #31days 31writers
  7. “I would shut up and let her do her mothering” – Vickie Remoe #31days31writers
  8. “The internet lives” – Pa Ikhide starts the second week of my #31days31writers project!
  9. “I am gradually learning to love the silence” – Dosh Mabonga! #31days31writers
  10. “I have learnt that dreams can actually come true” – Bisi Alimi #31days31writers
  11. “I learnt to let go and forgive” – Onaedo!! #31days31writers
  12. “I have learnt that light always comes at dawn” – Alkayy!! #31days31writers
  13. “Who says black men shouldn’t cry?” – My girl Francesca Uriri! #31days31writers
  14. “Our human species have truly trashed the planet” – Jeremy!! #31Days31Writers
  15. “2013: Of numbers, expectations and unspoken promises” – Dami #31Days31Writers
  16. “I won the lottery!!” – Tolu #31days31writers
  17. “I’ve learnt to let go and let God” – the delectable Nike Coker! #31Days31Writers
  18. “People change and so do you” – Ewoma gives us home truths! #31days31writers
  19. “Castration as an act of mercy” – My girl Zima goes hard! #31days31writers
  20. I learnt a lot about public engagement as a public servant” – Ohimai!! #31Days31Writers
  21. “I live and breathe food” – Nky Iweka #31days31writers
  22. “I have so much to be grateful for!” – Mac-Jordan #31Days31Writers
  23. “I’m glad that I followed my intuition and took risks” – Chris!! #31Days31Writers
  24. “This year taught me to represent” – Eziaha (The Fab Sister) is up today! #31days31writers
  25. “Loyalty makes a friend family” – Nonso’s up for our Christmas special! #31days31writers
  26. “I have come to love and accept myself” – my bestie is up! #31days31writers
  27. “I don’t even remember my resolutions for 2013″ – Andy Madaki on #31days31writers
  28. “I have learnt that homosexuality exists in 450 species” – Okechukwu is a shining star on #31days31writers today!
  29. “I understood faith as a lifestyle this year” – Lizzie
  30. “Your friend is your need answered” – a surprise appearance on the #31days31writers project!
  31. “Thank you for being part of my 2013″ – Guess who? Me!!!

Thank you guys for honoring me and my blog. Best wishes for the new year!

Love, light, and God’s many blessings!

Mwah!

How did I even meet Fran? This lovely sister girl? Earliest recollection was buying some gifts from her for a young man I was seeing. Relationship was a disaster but no it wasn’t because of the gifts, lol!

Francesca is a darling, a great friend and encourager, and if you don’t have a Francesca in your life, you’re definitely missing out! I know two, and they are amazing!

For the 13th day of the #31days31writers project, I present Fran!

Who says black men shouldn’t cry?

I was a having a mid-day conversation with a former colleague of mine; we were talking about a guy who had been ‘toasting’ her.

“I don’t really like him,” she said.

“Babe why na?” I asked.

Her response: “He’s too sensitive. Imagine the other day something happened to him; he started crying, just like that!” If I was surprised (which I totally, absolutely was), I didn’t let it show.

“You didn’t like the fact that he was crying?” I probed further.

“At all o!” she replied. “Why should a man be crying? Is he a woman? Can’t he control himself?”

I looked at her for a long moment in shock, offended on behalf of this man who I’d never met and saddened because she would do away with him, this man who she had already branded weak – and why? He cried. Simple.

He cried. He didn’t commit murder, he didn’t rape someone. He just gave into a purely human impulse and let it all come out. Yet, somehow, because of that he had somehow become less of a man.

These are some of the things I struggle with – first, the notion that crying or any expression of ‘soft’ emotion is the exclusive preserve of women, or that men, because they are ‘meant to’ be tough and strong (emphasis on meant to), should somehow pack everything in and never ever show any emotion. It seems to me that the only emotion we want to see from men is when they are in charge, in control, taking over the world, or like Thor, killing off villains. But we forget that men have emotions too (sometimes running even deeper than women), they have needs that they are not always eager (or able) to express, because after all, they are men and so must be ‘strong.’ We forget that even Thor in all his gorgeous, blonde-haired glory, while hammering away evil, needed and thrived on the love from his girlfriend and mother.

And this is where our work as women begins – first as mothers, to encourage and raise our sons to embrace and exhibit sensitivity, the same way we would encourage them to play ‘police & thief’ or soccer. To let them know that no man by himself is a super-hero and that it is not a sign of weakness if he chooses to crumble every now and again. Then as sisters, wives, girlfriends, lovers, etc – to let them know that it is okay to let it out, to not be judgemental or condescending. To create an enabling environment where a man feels confident enough to let down his guard, where he knows that he won’t be laughed at or harangued to hell and back.

For me, it may be easier to say or write all of this, than it is to put it into practice; but it is something we must all do. Why? Because perversely, these men think they have to put up a show for us, to be strong and macho for us women, or else we would laugh at them. Imagine what would happen if they knew they didn’t have to carry this useless, meaningless, crippling baggage? Imagine seeing a man cry and instead of saying something (stupid) like “Be strong, men don’t cry.” You just squeezed him really tightly to let him know that you were there, or allowed him cry on your bosom? Imagine that. Imagine the strength, imagine the possibilities, imagine the change.

We should ask ourselves if not expressing emotion is a sign of strength or weakness. I say it’s a weakness, because the resultant effect of not ever engaging or expressing emotion is that these men become useless husks.

My name is Onomarie Uriri, I am Nigerian, and I am a Public Relations specialist.

Francesca Uriri

Simply gorgeous!