Dancers, food, and me as Jega: it’s #MINDS Day Two!

Day started ok; I woke up a bit earlier than others and got in some work out of the way (hello entrepreneur), and then I smiled through a very encouraging email from a former colleague. I also danced my way into 3000 steps before our first session. Can I just mention here that I’ve been on a fitness high since the 29^th of April this year, and I can’t wait to show before and after photos of my work as soon as I hit my weight target? Whoop!

Back to the day, looking online there was news about Boko Haram continuing what seems to be a renewed onslaught in the North East. It seems to me like there has been one incident or the other since the 29^th of May, like these insurgents are baiting, testing the President’s hand, want to see what he will do. I can’t wait for a reaction myself. One too many people have perished. One too many to be honest

Like I didn’t have enough trouble, my monthly visitor came through this morning, with the attendant cramps, irritation, turning me into the perfect grouch. Sigh.

We did something really fun in the session today though, simulated the postponement of the Nigerian elections. The class was divided into civil society, the press, party agents, and the general public, each group playing a different role. I was cast as Professor Jega, and had two guys as principal officers of the commission.

Before I even went through half of my arranged speech, my own ‘Orubebe’ surfaced, and didn’t stop disrupting proceedings periodically. Different questions kept on coming, I could barely take one before another came, my team was swamped, it was incredible. It was hilarious too, but very stressful, even though everyone knew we were just role-playing. It gave me brand new respect for Professor Jega and all the pressure he withstood during the elections. I also learned a few things from the feedback session afterwards

1. Make more allies than enemies.
2. Added to the three points from Mr Kaberuka, there’s a fourth leadership quality. And it is to let the people you’re leading know you care about them.
3. Appearances in the face of challenges are everything. The more ruffled you appear, the easier it will be for people to have a go at you.
4. Stay on the message. Focus. Pleasant or not, never forget why you’re in a place/doing something/passing a message.

We also talked about elections erroneously being referred to (and treated as) a periodically occurring event (like Christmas) instead of a never-ending process. Think about it for a second. It’s more process than an event right?

Let’s backtrack a bit and I’ll tell you about the gala held in our honor yesterday.

First we had Kie traditional dancers, a troupe that has been in existence for over 30 years and produced renowned artistes famous around the world. Their energy was everything! I made two videos. Sorry, three.

Then there was this young lady, beautiful singer with an incredibly powerful voice. Only snag was I couldn’t tell when she was singing in French, in English, or when she didn’t just know the lyrics to the songs!

Then it was food time, and the only thing I got from the menu as it was read out to us was ‘ndole’ which is a Cameroonian dish that tastes like egusi with ground nuts without palm oil. It would have been lovely if it didn’t have so many onions! There was also something that looked like couscous but is made from cassava. Not the best for this #FitFam life… Sigh.

I ended up with a bit of duck, a bit of lamb, ndole, cured meats, rice, and some chili. Of course I ate the rice and little else.

And then we danced!! Boy! I really enjoyed that! Music from across the region, in English and every other language, so much fun! I was sweating like I’d been in a steam bath by the time I got back to my room, but, I’d achieved over 10k steps so yippie!

Got into bed, and I was out like a light!

ONE OF THOSE FLIGHTS

I hung out with a dear friend recently, she’s here in England to study ‘modelling and management of risk’ and walai, it has tripled the respect I have for her. In academics, there are two classes of people I respect; people who love maths, and people who love maths so much that they study it! I remember the tremor in my heart in Secondary School every time I knew we’d have math for first period, how I got a ‘C’ in my A Levels is beyond me! We had some maths gurus then, but when one of them said she was going to study further mathematics at Uni I must confess I kinda stopped liking her very much! What! I can’t understand things ‘as basic as quadratic equations‘ (rolling my eyes at my math teacher for saying it was basic), and you want to study further maths at Uni? Kai!

Anyway, I think I’m a bigger person now, because the friend I hung out with today studied…….(wait for it)….MATH for her first degree, and I still like her a lot. *hugs*

Ok, so after we prowled Oxford Street (the definition of girls ‘hanging out’), we started gisting on the train home, and somehow it  moved to flights. That’s funny enough. Then it moved to ’embarrassing moments on flights with Nigerians‘. Before I go on, what’s your story? Local or international, what has irked/amused or just totally cracked you up?

We started from the ‘rousing ovation syndrome’, and Fe told about (as I have heard severally before) about our people giving the pilot an ovation when he lands and is taxiing the plane to where they get off. Most culpable route? The Dubai–Lagos flight, on any airline. I won’t even start World War Three by mentioning (or even hinting at) the most culpable Nigerian geopolitical zone! I learnt that if the flight was without incident, then the pilot gets a regular applause, nothing special. But if there was turbulence anytime during the flight, ahh! Not only does he get a rousing ovation, some take the liberty to stand (never mind the ‘keep your seat belts fastened’ rule) and pour blessings on the pilot, which is a bad idea in itself because he CANNOT hear!

I told the story I’ve shared here before about the man who sat beside me on a flight from N’Djamena to Douala. That was just as sad as it was hilarious!

Another one comes to mind; I was flying from Lagos to Abuja, one of those days when I knew that thanks to the airline, I was going to be late for work. And it was a Monday morning, the worst day in the world to be late, or appear ruffled due to the mental/emotional exhaustion of driving the taxi with the cabbie!

I wasn’t in the mood to chat, was saving my energy for explanations back at the office. Till I noticed the guy in the seat next to mine didn’t hurt my sight; matter of fact, he looked really nice. I ran through a little list in my head, shoes and belt matched, crisp shirt, light whiff of his cologne…… ‘Not bad’ I thought. Just as I looked away, he said ‘hey’, and I smiled (more inwardly than outwardly of course). He said he’d seen me look at my watch a few times in the last minute so he was sure I was running late as well. ‘Doesn’t sound half bad too’, sucker for accents that I am. After a few minutes of chatting I turned away, and was counting down to exchanging numbers at the end of the flight. *wink*

Man proposes, God disposes. Abi? 25 minutes into the flight, what started out as a beautiful sunny morning suddenly turned dark and cloudy. With the clouds came turbulence in epic proportions. God of my fathers! I was AFRAID, there’s no other way to say it. I prayed, asking God to remember my service in His kingdom and have mercy, and if mine wasn’t enough, to consider my parents. Anything, I just knew I didn’t want to perish!

The hitherto suave young man beside was obviously more terrified than I was. Before I closed my eyes to pray, he had maintained a calm mien, like he didn’t notice the chaos. Just as I opened my eyes, and wanted to hold his arm (for support, lol!) the plane dipped. Immediately I heard, ‘chim o! Obara Jesus! Onye nwanyi gbaghara!’ What!! In spite of myself and the situation at hand, I started laughing. I laughed even harder when I realized the chants were coming from the guy! Ah! Where did the accent go? I could have sworn he wasn’t Nigerian before!

God being merciful (as always), we left the troubled spot, and 40 minutes later were taxiing to a stop at Nnamdi Azikiwe International Airport. ‘Can I get your number’, baby boy said, assuming his cool demeanor again. ‘Nope’, I replied, without missing a beat. After that episode? No way! I smiled at him, got off the plane, and laughed all the way to my office. Na wa!

Related articles

• To Do? Done!! (fairygodsister.wordpress.com)
• Of Flights, Pilots, And Turbulence (fairygodsister.wordpress.com)

SELAMTA!!

Ok! It’s a beautiful day! Yes it is, despite the fact that Israel is taking some heat from the United Nations et al because of their invasion of the Flotilla (which I must say is baseless because which ship carrying ‘humanitarian aid’ will also have metal rods, stun guns, and pipes on it)? Let’s not even start with the disparity in the stories of the activists on board the ship.

It’s still a beautiful day, beautiful start to the first month this second half of the year, despite the fact that the 52 year old taxi driver in Cumbria, England woke up and decided to shoot and kill 13 people (including himself); despite the fact that BP’s latest plan to contain the mega oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico isn’t working; despite the fact that IBB (in his ‘wisdom’) said MKO should be immortalized; despite the varying levels of craziness going on in our world, it’s still a beautiful day. Want to know why?

It’s a beautiful day because you’re alive to see this! Are you not aware of people (who you may not be necessarily better than) who didn’t make it to today? Ok, even though they are alive, don’t have the presence of mind to read this?  Take a minute, and say thank you to the Fairy Godfather…have you? Good! Now we can move on. Another reason today’s a beautiful day? Well my cold is finally easing up (thank you FGF) and I’m getting ready for my Ndjamena via Addis trip later today, yay!

Ok, fast forward to after we had checked in, passed immigration and headed for the departure lounge (powered by MTN…believe me that’s what was written there)! To get to the lounge we had to do close to a 30minutes walk! Since this fairy is as fit as a fiddle, I didn’t feel a thing; I’ll just try not to do it too many times! We got there, I settled in and started replying mails, facebooking, etc and may I use this opportunity to thank everyone who chatted and kept me company, especially since the flight was delayed a bit.

The fun started after we boarded. Just for sitting I was given a glass of lovely orange juice. Minutes after we took off I was given more juice and biscuits and then the hostess brought the menu with a somewhat plastered smile on her face (by the way, Ethiopian ladies are pretty). While I was still deciding which would be the lesser of the many evils listed on the menu, another nice looking lady brought me a small bowl of very colorful food in a tray, ‘something to start with’, she said. I recognized items that make a salad in one of the bowls, tasted it and it was nice. I tried eating something else that looked like bacon (which I love) but alas! It was raw, fishy, and had a faint lingering taste of red wine. I would find later that it was salmon, yuck! Seemed like the worst ended with the starters however because I enjoyed everything else, especially the passion fruit mousse I had for dessert. Then they served fruits and minutes later asked if I wanted tea. No!!! Is this a flight or did I mistakenly board a mobile fattening room?

Away from food (one of my favorite topics), I noticed that one of the hostesses wasn’t wearing a uniform like the others but a white dress with something that looked like it was gotten from a pashmenya or aso oke at the hem on the scarf draped round her shoulders. Miss inquisitive asked what the separation was for and she said all the hostesses had outfits like that that they wore on days assigned something about showcasing their national colors and things. ‘Nice, I thought, Nigeria could do something like that; we’d just have to own an airline (and fully too)! Did I mention that Ethiopian Airlines is the single largest indigenous employer in the country, paying salaries of close to 6000 staff? And yes, its 100% government owned, not privatized or managed by foreigners!

Sometime during the flight the pilot came to the business class lounge to talk to someone; at that moment the person beside me woke up and asked; ‘is that not the pilot there’? I said yes and he said, ‘he should better go back to the cockpit o, who did he leave the place for’? Truth is, if he wasn’t white, I would have thought he was Nigerian; we’re the ones always abandoning our constituencies to frolic everywhere else.

I saw a lovely movie (Valentine’s Day) and boy was I grateful I didn’t pay to see it before I left! Just as I was getting done, it was to time to get down (meaning that we had reached Addis Ababa, and safely too)!

Big fast forward to the second leg of the trip (Addis to N’Djamena) where I’m praying that the loud mouth beside me takes the hint that I’m furiously writing and leave me alone! Where is peace and quiet when you need it?

To start with, I’m majorly pissed off that I’m flying economy (apparently everyday isn’t Christmas), I didn’t get the window or aisle seat and to compound issues, I’m starving and the guy has foul breath! By the way, have you ever been tortured by hunger and foul breath at the same time? It’s painful I promise you, the kind of pain you wouldn’t even wish an enemy! Did I mention that he didn’t know more than 50 words in English? And he wasn’t cute neither!

‘Leave me alone, I don’t want to chat’, for where? The son of God took the pains to tell me he’s a commissioner  in N’Djamena. A commissioner seated in economy? Yeah right. In Nigeria he’d buy the plane! Apparently sensing my unbelief, the man brought out a dossier from his portmanteau and flipped through the papers inside; taking care that I’d be able to see the Chadian logos splashed all over the papers (so yes I looked). Then he asked if I was Cameroonian; ‘no, I’m proudly Nigerian’ I said. I realized I shot myself in the foot when his face lit up at my answer and he started boasting about being in Nigeria our years ago to build the edifice that is the Embassy of Chad. Edifice? Pigs may fly too!

That’s when I started writing but no, Mr. Architect had sworn on his president’s passport that he wouldn’t let me be! He said he was going to N’Djamena for a meeting and then return to Addis, I nodded; he said he was tres tres busy man, I nodded; he said……. I said I wanted to use my headphones to find out what music choices I had, and he smiled. I chuckled inside me, sure that I was too fast for him to understand a word of what I said. That bought me like 20minutes, 20 uninterrupted minutes that I was grateful to the Fairy Godfather for. I was bobbing my head to something from Timberland; opened my eyes to catch my commissioner neighbor with his headphones on too, nodding to some music too. I was happy for him (thankful for world peace too) till I saw that he didn’t plug in the cord! My word! What was he listening to then? Did I have a good laugh or what!

Did I mention that my seat refused to recline? How much worse could things get? Fortunately, again I watched a couple movies plus the flight wasn’t too long so it didn’t hurt as much.

Before I forget, just before the plane took off (it was already taxiing as a matter of fact), another young man stood up and said he wanted to use the convenience. The person in the seat next to him told him to wait till we were in the air but homeboy refused. Two hostesses came, told him he had to wait and then he said he would stand by the toilet. Of course they refused, and got their supervisor to ‘usher’ him back to his seat. After we had steadied in the air, they came to tell him he could go but he said he wouldn’t because he was hurt. Hurt? People like this make me thank the FGF my dreams of becoming an air hostess haven’t come true (yet)!

I daresay the flight to N’Djamena was full of characters, almost felt like I was on Drama Central! Seated around me was a man I had heard shouting at one of the hostesses earlier; I found out he had paid for ten seats. Those ten seats catered to two wives, a grandmother, and over 50 children! I know I’m exaggerating but honestly I lost count especially since they all looked alike (facially and in stature too), didn’t stay in their seats (which I can bet they sat like 6 to 1), and didn’t speak a word of English! I imagined how much the trip cost him and I smiled; what if he had bought business class tickets for all of them?

By the way, selamta is Ethiopian for welcome………

WITH LOVE FROM CHAD!!

A friend of mine is planning to get married soon and amongst other things, I was a little curious as to where the honeymoon will be (if their jobs allow them that is)! We drew up a list and the bride-to be said she’d rather do a couple of places in Africa than one country in the West. At the time I knew I would be doing a small tour myself so I said I’d look around and then suggest; now I need you to decide whether I should suggest this spot to her, but only after you’ve read this!

Ok, so a little basic history about Chad. Chad means, ‘large expanse of water’, and actually derived from Lake Chad which experts say has shrunk in the last 13,000 years. Chad is very hot with temperatures getting up to 60 degrees Celsius in the peak of the dry season. While I was here, the temperature hovered between 32 and 39 degrees and our hosts said it’s the coolest they’ve had in a while; especially since it rained the night we got in.

Before I tell you what I had for dinner (since we got in at night), when I was  younger I was in love with oranges so much I could eat up to nine or ten a day. One day the Fairy Godfather saw me with a big bowl and knowing the fate of the oranges therein said, ‘at this rate you’ll wake up soonest with an orange tree on your head’. Suffice to say that it’s almost a chore for me to eat oranges now; I was so scared!

Dinner was rice (looking forward to a rice plantation on my head at this rate) with potato and carrot sauce and loads of chicken. It was a lovely meal except that I had to keep apologizing for each onion ring I pulled out of my plate, I so cannot stand onions and they were so many!

Ah ha! Before I forget, I stayed in Hotel Santana and it was a really nice, Egyptian style decorated room. One evening, out of extreme boredom and I knew I couldn’t go out because the sun was blazing like it was angry with the Chadians, I started flipping channels, looking for something nice to watch. Fourteen channels and no English later (save CNN, BBC, Aljazeera, and then MBC 2 with its ancient movies), I was going crazy. Continued flipping till I saw an MTV logo and I was like, ‘yes! Finally something I can relate to’! Two non English songs later, I consoled myself with the thought that it was probably time for alternative music or stuff from around the world. Then it was time for news; immediately I saw writing from the right to the left I knew I was in trouble! It was MTV Arabia! What!!! That was it; I gave up, and slept.

The day we were to leave Chad, we got to the airport early only to be told our flight would be delayed for 3 hours. God of grace, just like that? A little about the airport; like every other office/organization in N’djamena’ they pride themselves in the number of different uniforms their workers wear, even if they’re doing the same thing! Did I mention that the flies in N’djamena nearly killed me? They were so many, even in the airport (what was I thinking, flies have ‘restricted areas’)? The flies were part of the reason I was almost never outside the car or my hotel room. Other reasons would be the sun, the strong unnerving presence of the non English speaking, mostly under aged, heavily armed military men on the street but, let’s leave that for now.

Since Ethiopian Airways had given us three hours to play with, our hosts decided to drive us around the town to pass time; this is what I found out. By the way, I saw some security cameras on the way out of the departure lounge that (forgive me) looked as old as Chad’s independence and I wondered if there was even a CCTV room in the airport.

Back to what I saw, do you sometimes wish someone could come take care of your issues? Yes? Means you have Chadian streaks in you, streaks that mean that you expect help from everywhere but within! A couple of reasons I said that

• Kempinski, the largest hotel in N’Djamena (and Chad by extension) was built and is managed by Libya.
• The largest mosque in N’Djamena which houses a primary and secondary school and a university was built by Saudi Arabia. Can you now guess the more prominent religion in Chad? I must say however that religious induced fighting is rare, there are many other things to fight about. But, I digress.
• When Chad had issues with rebels and there were attempts on the presidents life, the American government built blockades outside the President’s house; France offered him exile and Ukraine (amongst others) supplied the soldiers and weaponry that quelled the insurgency. Speaking of France, they have a huge military base in N’Djamena where according to our host; the best surgeries (if any) are done. Before nko?

We passed by the President’s palace; more like a fortress if you ask me, with the heavily armed mostly underage soldiers every 10 feet! I asked if we could stop and take pictures; you know, Buckingham palace style and things.  Our host laughed so hard I almost felt insulted, till he said the guards had express orders to shoot to kill anything that stops around the palace unlawfully, including tourists. He said that once, the wife of the American envoy to Chad was in a car that mysteriously developed a fault and stopped outside the palace. Men and brethren, the soldiers opened fire o! With the American flag, diplomatic number plates, they opened fire! Fortunately the car was bullet proof but the lady was traumatized and it was a big international issue at the time. Are you still asking why I don’t have pictures of the palace? I thought so!

We saw a river which is the boundary between Chad and Cameroon. I was told people swim across the river; made me wonder where they keep their passports when they’re swimming, especially since there are no immigration desks on both sides!

A little about President Idriss Deby Itno; he’s been in power for about 20 years now and has already declared that he’s contesting again when the country goes to the polls in April next year. ‘He’s going to win’, our host says, ‘it’ll be the moon in the morning if he doesn’t’. What is amazing is that he’s given the UN quit notice from the country; people say it’s because he doesn’t any ‘interference’ in the elections. Interference? Ok o.

By the way, the United Nations have a big base in N’Djamena; noticeably close to the airport. And I don’t blame them. As fortified as the place is, I think they need a close by exit in the event of violence because as far as I am concerned, like a lot of other poverty stricken places in Africa, Chad is as volatile as they come.

On a lighter note but still on the scarcity of resources, bananas are not sold in bunches but finger by finger. I asked and was told it’s so that you can buy only what you can afford, and only what you can eat!

So, I’m done! I’ll leave you to holler at my bride-to-be friend; all I can say is if I had known I’d encounter so many flies in N’Djamena I’d had chopped off the ears of the guy who sat in front of me on the plane and used his ears for swatting, especially since I’ve never seen ears so wide and floppy in my entire Fairy life!

Mwah!