THIS COLD!!!

So I woke up angry this morning, as in very angry! You’re aware of the ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ phrase abi, today I felt like I didn’t even wake up from any bed! Yes, that’s how angry I was! ‘What could have gotten the FGS so riled up’, you might be wondering; well, I’ll tell you in a minute.

Now, I’m not angry because David Mark is seeking a fourth term as the Number Three man in Nigeria (since it’s his sole inheritance), or because the members of the National Assembly are working on a bill that amongst other things, make them automatic members of the National Executive Councils (NEC) of the parties they belong to; hell, I’m not even angry that members of the Lagos State House of Assembly that joined Lagosians to ‘commemorate’ a hundred days of their doctors strike because (in the words of Fashola), the state cannot afford to raise their salaries can sit to discuss getting themselves new cars! Don’t get me wrong, these and many more issues make my blood boil, but that’s not why I’m angry, and this early in the day.

So, why am I angry? It’s this cold, this blistering, unforgiving, insensitive cold! It’s this cold that doesn’t realize it should treat me gently because my black and beautiful skin isn’t configured for extreme weathers! It’s the same reason I complain about the open grill party Abuja’s sun holds sometimes (using the residents as beef) but that’s another matter, for another day! Sometimes I think Abuja has sinned so much the scorching sun is one way of punishing us! Haba!

So the cold is the source of my anger, and it’s not even snowing properly yet! My mind darts to the shelves where my sandals and six-inch heels are arranged and suddenly I’m smiling through my anger. Why? I’m smiling because I know all that footwear is useless till June next year.  Ditto my shorts and pretty little dresses. For ‘health reasons’ I am confined to boots and layers of clothing that not only make me feel like an Eskimo, but make me pray I don’t have to run anywhere because of the sheer weight of the clothing! I wonder how people who work in cold stores cope in these times, hmph!

It is known that telling children simple things like, ‘don’t eat that, it’s peppery’, automatically triggers an irresistible longing for them to eat that thing and then cry later. Now, what if you tempt that child by keeping them hungry for like three days, and then on the third day drop a bowl of peppery food on a table and tell them not to touch it?

Men and brethren that is exactly what is happening to me! My landlord has twisted the scriptures and is now reading, ‘Fairy GodSister, I will lead you into temptation, deliver yourself from evil’. How else will you explain them switching off the central heating at 11.30pm every night, and switching it back on by 7 in the morning?  In this weather? And then telling me not to buy my own heating? I could be wrong; I just believe that apart from it being darkest before dawn, it is the coldest frigging time of the day!

So I woke up in the middle of the night (and no it wasn’t to get a chocolate bar), I was literally having a panic attack because according to Osuofia in the movie ‘Ukwa’, my lungs had ‘congealed’! And no, I wasn’t wearing silk; I had on a long-sleeved tee, a cardigan, stockings, socks, and woollen joggers. And yes, I was under my double duvet too! In all of this, I was freezing, and of course, I had lost feeling in my digits.

Made me remember someone I saw sleeping on the floor at a train station a couple of weeks before and I hoped to God he had found a place to stay and keep warm.

So I’m a little sober and grateful to God I have a roof over my bed (and fridge full of food) but I’m still angry! I added a head-warmer and gloves to my ensemble, eucalyptus oil to my ear lobes and nostrils, and went back to sleep, albeit in fits and starts (I guess I was unconsciously checking to see that I was still breathing)! By the way, eucalyptus oil is my mom’s answer to everything; from colds, to toothache, to belly ache, and my personal favourite, eye trouble! I love you ma!

I went to complain as soon as the sun came out; scratch that, there’s no sun here anymore, I’m thinking Abuja or Lagos borrowed it (considering the complains of heat from those areas). Anyways so I went to complain, and with benefit of hindsight, I should have used the time to write another chronicle, do some school work, cook myself a meal, or worst case scenario, play with an imaginary dog! If by now you’re thinking nothing came of my complaints, you’re very smart and should get yourself a drink!

Its afternoon now, and I just noticed I was unintentionally counting down to 11.30pm. All in the name of adult education abi?  Fortunately I’m Nigerian (yay!!) which means I’m wired to be resilient, adaptive and strung to survive anywhere. So, where are my layers? Let’s do this!

As for my landlord, Igbo people say, ‘ukwa ruo oge ya, o da’! Ditto for the members of the National Assembly.

Ready to brave the cold!

P:S – most of the followers of this blog have complained about the sway towards more academic rather than leisure writing. I understand your concern, and I’m working on a solution, ok?

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